Where to start…this is probably one of my most honest and open posts ever. About a year ago, I made a decision that I was going to keep my life close to my chest after some important events in my life. I tried to be someone I’m not because that’s what was valued by others around me.
As I’ve gone through this year and lived with bottling up who I am, I have lost myself along the way.
By doing this post, it’s a little scary and leaves me vulnerable, which I’m not a fan of – so why do it? – well, I believe in order to get past it and more into the new year I have to change something, acknowledge out loud and not just to my mom, or Adam or Jamie. It’s really for me.
I’ve been staying up nights thinking about this upcoming year. I think mainly because 2009 was a pretty terrible year for me. Don’t get me wrong there were some amazing moments, which I cherish dearly but overall it was along the lines of a “D”.
I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what direction my life is going and how I can get there. The challenge, I like to think for most of us, is that for the most part it’s not in our hand – God has a plan. The control freak in me isn’t a big fan of that! LOL.
I’ve struggled moving here to Utah…a whole new place that I honestly don’t think I fit. I love the nature, the activities (outside), the new friends I’ve met, but miss the diversity of so many things I was accustom to in Minneapolis and Milwaukee. I now fully understand the term “Utah Bubble”. Any one that knows me, I’m not a girl that likes to stay inside the normal or that “bubble”.
Yet, the pressure to be perfect has been the most difficult for me. I’m always the hardest on myself and so when there is a great feeling of pressure from work, church, and social situations to be a perfect or certain way, it has at times paralyzed me. Sometimes to the degree of not leaving the house because it was easier to avoid things than face them head on. Not a trait that I’m familiar with.
Recently, maybe not recently, but after months of contemplation, I have come to know more and more about myself and what makes me happy. I’m so use to going a 1000x’s a minute, having my skills and talents utilized and knowing where I fit. Coming to Utah, that all kind of fell apart. I feel like a fish out of water – suffocating.
To my own fault, I have made excuses, let things in my life go that have been my back bone for many years because I didn’t feel worthy, engaging in bad coping mechanisms, and became unhealthy – out of shape – and – lacking in good nutrition.
Through it all I have been INCREDIBLY blessed with a mom who knows how much this has been a struggle for me, knows not to let me cave in and run away, friends like Adam who has been the best, dearest friend in the whole world, who never fails me even though he knows I’m not perfect and my dear Jamie, who makes me laugh at her (or actually with her) amazing kids and at myself – always reminding me that I’m not crazy and most importantly being there even though we’re 1500 miles away.
Now where does this lead? To a new day…a new set of goals for me and no one else. The allowance to let people see me for me and go back to loving who I am without apologizing – except of course if I mess up. LOL.
I’m planning to blog my journey along with it’s ups and downs. All with a twist of empowerment and acceptance of being who you are.
I’m not afraid to fall but unlike my life over the last year, I will actually get back up. I know this isn’t going to be easy but I’ve done a lot harder things in life and succeed because of the guidance of The Lord and His Father in Heaven. I’m ok with stumbling along the way and recognizing it’s not all going to come together at once or in one full sweep…stay tuned if you want.
“Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfast in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men, Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.” 2 Nephi 31:20
